Table of Contents
1 Your King’s Declaration of War Against Lust
2 The Hardest Battle God’s Sons Have Ever Fought
3 The Threat of Willing Wicked Women on the World Wide Web
4 We Are at War, But Are We Warriors?
10 Get Grace, Encouragement, & Protection
11 Get Smart, Scared, & Sensitive
A P.O.W.E.R. Plan for God Times
B P.O.W.E.R. Plan for Barnabas Groups
C Your Plan & Progress in Your War with Lust
D Memory Verses for Your War with Lust
Do everything you can to restore your marriage
Matthew 5:23-24
Week 7
► For a God Time use the “P.O.W.E.R. Plan” in Appendix A.
► After reading this chapter, answer the following questions:
1) What are two circumstances that we believe make it necessary for you to be completely honest with your wife about your sexual sin?
2) Why might you not involve your wife in your battle against lust?
3) What will be some of the most difficult steps suggested below to restore your marriage if necessary?
4) What gives you hope that you can restore your marriage if needed?
5) What was especially meaningful to you in this chapter?
We wrote in chapter 7 of this study that “in a survey of women who experienced serious adverse consequences from their partner’s cybersex involvement”:
[Wives] commonly reported feeling hurt, betrayed, rejected, abandoned, lonely, isolated, humiliated, jealous, and angry. Wives often compared themselves unfavorably to online images. Wives overwhelmingly felt that cyber affairs were as emotionally painful as offline affairs. . .
In a survey of 63 wives of self-identified sex addicts, 70% met most of the criteria for a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder. . .
If your wife has discovered your mental adultery with demon-possessed destroyers of your wife and life on the Internet, then you have a very, very serious problem. God warned you of the consequences, and they have now affected your marriage. In a brief chapter we will not be able to communicate everything that could be helpful to you. But we can suggest some steps to take. In one word, your goal is reconciliation. Jesus said:
“So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar.
Go and be reconciled to that person.
Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.”
(Matthew 5:23-24)
Do everything you can to restore your marriage.
Do you see how important it is to God that you do everything you can to restore your marriage? It significantly affects your relationship with Him. Whatever sacrifice or service you want to give to God, do not do it until you do everything you can to restore your marriage.
How much should I tell my wife?
An important question at this point is how much should your wife be involved in your battle against sinful lust? This is not an easy question.
First, if your wife already knows about your struggle with sinful lust, then you should involve her in some parts of your journey to freedom, as we will discuss below.
Secondly, if your wife ever asks you about your struggle with lust do not lie to her and be completely honest.
Thirdly, if you have been struggling with an addiction to pornography (viewing it at least once a week), and this has been the case for a few to several years of your marriage, then you also need to tell your wife. We realize this could cost you your marriage. But if you have been viewing pornography at least once a week for several years while married to your wife, then you really don’t have a marriage anyway do you? Not only because Jesus said you have committed adultery and adultery breaks the marriage covenant (see chapter 1), but because you really have very little relationship with this woman. And she deserves to know why. The first step to even the possibility of being reconciled to her is to confess your sin and tell her everything.
Finally, what if your sin with pornography or other sins of lust have only been periodic and your wife has no knowledge of your struggle? Most Christian married men have committed the sin of lust at some point in their marriage. Should we tell our wives every time it happens? We would caution you to be careful about this.
You are free to disagree with this. You know your wife better than anyone, and your own conscience must be followed on this matter. But consider the costs versus the benefits of your wife knowing about your periodic struggle with lust and pornography. In chapter 7 we described the typical and understandable affect such a disclosure has on a wife. They are devastated. And it will be a long and hard struggle for her to regain her trust and respect for you.
There is a great cost in your wife’s life if she knows your struggle with sinful lust and it simply may not be the most loving thing to burden her with this. “Love . . . always protects” (1 Cor 13:7 NIV). Of course, you need to start protecting your wife right now by never lusting after another woman again. But you might consider protecting her from the knowledge of your struggle as well while you are taking steps to overcome it.
And there may be no benefits at all to her knowing. As we explained in chapters 2 and 3, it is very difficult for women to understand a man’s struggle in this area. And if they cannot understand it, they will not be able to accept it, or help very much with it. Yes you need encouragement in this area, but other men can help you much more than your wife. And helping you will not hurt them like it will hurt your wife.
Therefore, in some cases we would encourage you to think about keeping your struggle with lust between you and your God and a male friend. But if you do, you had better be serious about stopping this sin. Do everything you can to restore your marriage. And this may mean that you do not share things with your wife that will unnecessarily damage your marriage.
We would suggest all of the above would also apply to a man who is considering engagement to a woman. So if you are not married, but want to be, win your war with lust now so you do not have to share it as a present struggle when a prospective mate is getting to know you.
Steps to reconciliation and restoration of your marriage
What if your wife knows about your mental adultery? Then you know “that someone has something against you” (Matt 5:23) and you must do everything you can to restore your marriage. The following are suggested steps to doing that.
1) Talk to your Pastor. You and your wife will need his guidance and support for the difficult journey you are about to embark on.
2) Tell your wife everything. Full disclosure will be the most painful part of the reconciliation process. But it is the first step. Do not be defensive or impatient. Honestly answer every question your wife has. Consider having your Pastor present to support both of you. This might help your wife to believe how serious you are about changing, and help her know that others are helping you. Dr. Kleoponis shares:
There must be full disclosure of all her husband’s sexual activity outside the marriage, and although this is painful, it is freeing. The wife finally knows everything and the husband is no longer carrying any secrets. Through total openness and transparency, trust can be restored in the marriage. [1]
3) Allow your wife a meeting to express her feelings about your sin. If she would prefer, again, your Pastor can be a part of that meeting. Of course she will need the freedom to do this anytime in the future as well. Dr. Kleopnis writes:
The healing process starts by allowing the wife to freely express how deeply she has been hurt by pornography use. Her husband needs to truly understand her pain. . .
Janet related how things began to change in their marriage during her husband’s use of pornography. Tom became more distant, often worked late, and spent many hours alone at night in his home office. Because of “work,” he missed many school events, kids’ baseball and soccer games, and even some family gatherings. Janet shared how she felt ignored by him, how the deep, intimate conversations they used to have seemed to disappear, how their sex life dried up, and how she began to feel unattractive to him.
After discovering Tom’s pornography use, she expressed how deeply hurt and betrayed she felt, because this was cheating to her, these were extramarital affairs! She felt old and unattractive because Tom was masturbating to young and beautiful women. She felt her whole world come crashing down.
She awoke to the fact that the man she had loved and trusted for so many years had a dark secret life she knew nothing about. Without warning, in a moment, he became a complete stranger. She didn’t feel safe with him. She feared for their children. She was traumatized.
Although this was difficult for Tom to hear, he needed to understand how deeply his actions had affected Janet. [2]
4) Set up weekly couples counseling with your Pastor. He can best help you walk through the painful and difficult steps to reconciliation.
5) Determine if your wife needs a “battle sister” to support her through this difficult time. If so, help her get one. Perhaps a Pastor’s wife or the wife of your “battle brother.” Give your wife permission to share with this person whatever they want to.
6) Ask your wife to read this study, Your War with Lust.” Dr. Kleoponis writes:
As a wife begins to understand that her husband’s use of pornography was a weak attempt to ease the pain of deep emotional wounds, she can come to realize that it had nothing to do with her, her beauty, or her desirability as a woman. At this point, many wives develop great compassion for their husbands and want to help them in their recovery. [3]
This study can help your wife to begin to understand these things.
7) Provide the reports that your wife desires. If she wants the accountability reports for your protective software then provide them. Have your “battle buddy” report to her how he thinks you are doing. Tell your wife what you are discovering and resolving in your counseling. This has several benefits as Dr. Kleponis explains:
Knowing that Tom had a good support group also helped Janet let go of her need to control Tom’s recovery. If he missed a meeting, she knew one of his accountability partners would be calling him and keeping him accountable to his program. . .
In individual therapy Tom worked on healing his wounds by forgiving his mother and grandfather. Knowing about Tom’s history and family woundedness helped Janet immensely. When she realized how deeply wounded Tom and his whole family were, she was able to have more compassion toward him, and this helped her in healing their relationship. [4]
8) An example of love is to agree with your wife on an extended period of abstinence from your sexual relationship. And let your wife determine if and when she is ready to resume her sexual relationship with you. Dr. Kleponis shares the following example:
Another way they were able to purify their lives was by agreeing to a ninety-day period of sexual abstinence. Anyone recovering from an addiction must go through a detox period. Because the brain of a person addicted to sex has grown accustomed to operating at such a high level of chemical stimulation, it needs time to return to operating at a normal level. To do this, an addicted person often has to abstain from any kind of sexual activity for an extended period of time. This includes use of pornography, masturbation, and sex with another person.
The ninety-day period of abstinence was difficult for Tom; however, he had Janet, his accountability partners, his support group, and his therapist there to help him through it. In the end it did help Tom purify his heart, mind, and brain of the pornography.
The ninety-day period of abstinence was easier for Janet and very helpful to her. The thought of being sexually intimate with her husband who betrayed her was not something she was eager to do. It reminded her of his broken marital vows, and she needed time to heal and forgive.
Janet slept in another bedroom and used this time to better understand Tom’s addiction, forgive him, and work on her own healing. Those ninety days were like a spiritual retreat to Janet. She would go to her room at night and spend an hour in prayer for their personal healing and the healing of their marriage. This strengthened her love and compassion for Tom. At the end of the ninety days, Janet was more committed to working with Tom on their individual and marital healing. [5]
9) Do everything you can to restore your marriage. This means doing everything you can to demonstrate love to your wife. Be very patient with her. She may be in a process of grief, anger, fear, sadness, and depression for several months. You might consider reading and applying such books as The Five Love Languages and The Love Dare.
10) Recommit your marriage vows to one another. This is God’s will. He says, “I hate divorce” (Malachi 2:16). He wants to give both you and your wife the grace to overcome your sin and restore your marriage. This is what would glorify God the most and disappoint the Devil the most.
Nevertheless, as explained in chapter 1 regarding Matthew 5:27-28, 32, God gives your wife the freedom to leave you without sin on her part. Which makes it all the more important for you to give her reasons not to and Do everything you can to restore your marriage.
Still, there is no guarantee this will happen. And if it does, it might require several months of healing. Don’t forget the seriousness of the mental adultery you have committed against your marriage. You have broken your marriage and it will require work, love, and time to heal it. This is why Jesus told you not to commit adultery with demon-possessed destroyers of your wife and life.
But if you can reach a point with your wife to recommit your marriage vows, this is a good sign that you have overcome the damage of your sexual sin. Such a rededication would not need to be a very public affair. Perhaps it could occur with the Pastor and friends who have helped you.
Some additional thoughts and testimony for a restored marriage
Dr. Kleponis shares the following:
Tom and Janet also had to deal with marital issues that led to Tom’s pornography use. Like most wives, Janet had to understand that she was not responsible for his addiction; however, she also needed to recognize that there were problems in their marriage that led him to use pornography to self-medicate.
Tom’s main problem was loneliness. He was happy early in their marriage, but as they started having children and Janet began focusing all her attention on the children, he felt rejected and lonely. Pornography was his escape. In Tom’s words, “The women in porn are always there for you. They give you their sole attention.”
That Janet wasn’t present to Tom was difficult for her to hear. She always thought she was a good wife who made him a key part of her life. While she was still very angry with him, she took what he said to heart and they made a commitment to spend at least thirty minutes alone each night to devote to each other. They also decided to go on regular dates. . .
As Tom and Janet experienced forgiveness and healing in their lives, they were able to start working on a vision for their marriage. They each wrote down what they believed a great marriage entailed, and then they combined their definitions into one they could share. They wanted their marriage to be Christ-centered where there was total trust and openness. They wanted to be able to talk to each other without fear. They wanted romance in their marriage, and wanted to be best friends who were always there for each other. . .
I compare this [process of rebuilding a marriage] to rebuilding a house. Sometimes a bad storm can damage a poorly built house down to its foundation, and in order to rebuild that house it must first be torn down. One must then sort through the rubble and pull out the good things that have not been damaged. These, along with new materials, are used to build a new house that is stronger, healthier, and able to withstand the storms of life. . .
While I provided an overview of Tom and Janet’s healing process, please realize that this took many months. Tom needed time to overcome his compulsive sexual behavior and Janet needed time to recover from her trauma, anger, sadness, and betrayal. She had to grieve the loss of the marriage she thought she had, embrace the marriage she did have, and work on creating the marriage she wanted to have.
As they worked on their recovery, their love for each other grew. Tom was able to show his trustworthiness through his devotion to his recovery program, and by being totally open and honest with Janet, she in turn was able to forgive Tom and grow in trust. They reached a deeper level of intimacy than they had ever known as they worked on creating their new healthy marriage.
Their love for the Lord also grew as they came to see how God could heal the most broken people and marriages and give them a new life together.
Tom and Janet eventually began reaching out to other couples in recovery to help them see that healing and restoration of a broken marriage is possible. They wanted to show their gratitude to God and to all the people who helped them, by “paying it forward.” . . .
The healing process takes time and hard work, but I encourage couples not to be afraid of it. Remember that God has not forgotten you. He has a wonderful plan for your marriage, one of healing and restoration. You will have to work on healing individual and marital wounds, but it is worth all the effort.
I like to compare the restoration of marriages to the restoration of Jerusalem in the Book of Nehemiah in the Old Testament. The work was slow, but the Israelites worked steadily. They did not let enemies thwart their progress. They persevered and eventually restored Jerusalem to an even greater glory. God will do the same for your marriage if you have faith and persevere! . . .
For the wife of an addicted husband, don’t lose hope. No one sets out to become addicted. It is usually the result of years of self-medicating deep emotional wounds. It has nothing to do with your beauty or desirability as a woman. Your husband doesn’t want to replace you with the women in porn. Most of all, he never wanted to hurt you, and more than anyone else, he needs your love and support as he works through the recovery process.
At the same time, you need to heal from the pain of betrayal you have experienced as a result of the addiction. I urge you to seek counseling and support for your healing. God has given you many caring people who understand your pain and want to help you heal. Things may seem bleak right now, but I assure you that God has a wonderful plan for your marriage. He wants to give you a healthy and happy marriage. This is what innumerable couples have experienced. With God all things are possible! [6]
► Return to the beginning and answer the questions there.
► Recite Ephesians 6:17 from memory.
► Memorize Matthew 5:22-23 in the translation above or another.
► Continue to complete the steps suggested in “Your Plan & Progress in Your War with Lust” in Appendix C.