Your War with Lust: 7 Hurting Your Wife

Looking at pornography endangers your wife’s trust, respect, and intimacy with you

Hebrews 13:4

Week 4

► For a God Time use the “P.O.W.E.R. Plan” in Appendix A.

► After reading this chapter, answer the following questions:

1) How can your sinful lust affect your wife and family?

2) Why would the Devil want your sin to be made public?

3) How will sinful lust affect your real love life?

4) What was most meaningful to you in this chapter? Why?

Your wife married you with the promise that she would never have to compete with another woman for your affection. She believed that sex with you was an intimate, private, and holy experience shared only with you. If and when she discovers your mental adultery, she will know that you have loved another woman more than her.

And you cannot deny this. When you are looking at wicked naked women on the Internet, you are choosing to love them more than your wife. You have chosen women you don’t even know, who care nothing about you, and who would never have or care for your children. You have chosen them over the woman God gave you. One book on this topic put it like this:

Your wife gave up her freedom for you. She relinquished her rights to seek happiness elsewhere. She exchanged this freedom for something she considered more valuable: your love and your word. Her dreams are tied up in you, dreams of sharing and communication and oneness. She’s pledged to be yours sexually. Her sexuality is her most guarded possession, her secret garden. She trusted you would be worthy of this gift, but you have cavalierly viewed sensual garbage. ^[1]

It is because your Father wanted to save you and your spouse from all the hurt of mental adultery and cybersex that He said:

Marriage is to be held in honor among all,

and the marriage bed is to be undefiled. (Hebrews 13:4 NASB)

Looking at pornography endangers your wife’s trust, respect, and intimacy with you.

Do not break your wife’s heart

Remember, even if you don’t think viewing pornography is adultery, Jesus and your wife know it is. Your Lord said: “You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matt 5:27-28).

As described in a previous chapter, adultery, including mental adultery, is the only sin powerful enough to break what God has joined together in marriage. Mental adultery is having sex with another woman and violates the loyalty and commitment you made to your wife. You have betrayed her. And she will feel this deeply.

Women cannot understand the struggle men have in the area of sinful lust. But a husband cannot understand the struggle his wife will have when he is sexually unfaithful to her. Maybe this is a better question. Husband, how would you feel if your wife had sex with another man? Shocked, disgusted, rejected, alone, worthless. That is how your wife feels when she discovers you are viewing pornography.

“In a survey of women who experienced serious adverse consequences from their partner’s cybersex involvement”:

Wives commonly reported feeling hurt, betrayed, rejected, abandoned, lonely, isolated, humiliated, jealous, and angry. Wives often compared themselves unfavorably to online images. Wives overwhelmingly felt that cyber affairs were as emotionally painful as offline affairs. . .

In a survey of 63 wives of self-identified sex addicts, 70% met most of the criteria for a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder. . .

In 2002, the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers reported the following as the most salient factors present in divorce cases: 56% involved one party having “an obsessive interest in pornographic websites.” ^[2]

This is why 40% of those addicted to porn lost their spouses. ^[3]

In one book, a wife described her experience when she discovered her husband was using porn as: “a trauma I barely lived through . . . I [was] choking down handfuls of sleeping pills day after day, because it hurt too much emotionally to stay awake.” The authors go on to relate: “When we asked women if they could cherish their husbands if they found them stuck in sexual sin, their answers were shaky. . . Ellen said, “I would try. I would have such great sorrow and disappointment. . . It would be very difficult. Frances used the key word “respect.” “It would be very difficult to respect and trust him.” ^[4]

Another woman on a Christian blog site gave her “diary entry from 3 months after my husband’s first official disclosure that my suspicions were true and he did, in fact, have a pornography addiction”:

My broken heart weeps blood and tears from shattered vows, promises, and the thought of all that was lost. My soul aches for truth, justice, and righteousness. I need a real man and hero to stand against the evil, to protect me, to value our marriage and family like I do.

I look at myself in the mirror and wonder who I have become. I feel like an old toy that was discarded and then brought out again, but for how long? I’m scared. Some days the grace flows freely, but other days I feel so very alone. I am divided within myself, and I wonder how my own husband could betray me in such a perverse way.

I am in so much pain that I feel I might break in two. How can I face this and move forward? Supernatural power has carried me so far. How long until that is gone? I must seem so foolish to John. A naive little housewife who wasn’t skinny enough or sexy enough, and who is now too stupid and weak to stand up for herself.

Why must I search for answers? Maybe there aren’t any, and maybe there is no way to explain this horrible nightmare or find any redemption in it. Maybe God will bring me true peace someday. Today I am in turmoil, divided, and sad. ^[5]

A Christian counselor describes the struggle of women she has counseled on this topic:

The wife’s biggest pain is that porn’s a fantasy, hidden away in his mind. It can’t be stopped or monitored by another unless the porn addict chooses. A wife can’t compete with a fantasy! She loses faith that their intimacy is real – it may just be a part of his fantasy about someone else he’s viewed. If she withdraws, he may use that as an excuse for his sin. If she gives, she may feel used, not loved. It feels like a “no win”! ^[6]

From the experience of his counseling ministry, Dr. Kleponis has written extensively on the effects of pornography in the family:

Janet’s response to Tom’s pornography use was similar to that of most wives. She was sickened by the very thought of her husband viewing pornography, because to her, he was not only using and condoning the sexual abuse of women, he also was committing adultery. . .

When a wife discovers her husband’s pornography use, she often feels heartbroken. . . She feels deeply hurt because she originally believed she had her husband’s complete heart, and now she sees that only part of his heart belonged to her while the rest belonged to the women in porn. . .

Betrayal. This is the most obvious emotional wound that wives experience. . . A woman cannot feel loved, honored, and cherished when her husband uses pornography, when he has taken something as sacred as their intimate sexual life and shared it with hundreds of women online. . .

For Janet the betrayal was so deep for her that she felt she no longer knew Tom. Now, he was a stranger and she couldn’t sleep in the same bed with him anymore. She no longer felt special in her marriage. To her, she was “just another bimbo that Tom has been with.”

It took a while for Tom to realize how deeply his actions betrayed her. This was clear to him only when he fully understood how women and men define pornography differently, and how injurious it was to Janet.

Most women experience a strong rage when they discover their husbands’ pornography use, a righteous anger. They have been betrayed, marital vows have been broken, and for some women this anger and betrayal are so strong that they want to end their marriages. Janet was tempted to do this. The effects of Tom’s pornography use went to the core of her soul.

Loss of Trust. When a wife loses trust in her husband, it affects her ability to feel emotionally safe and secure in her marriage. She no longer feels that she can count on her husband. This can lead to many irrational behaviors, including checking Internet history, phone records, credit card bills, and so on. She may fear leaving him at home alone, allowing him to go on business trips, or even go to work.

All of this activity is done to try to regain some sense of safety and security for her, but it usually ends up wearing her out, and ultimately, she knows she cannot control every minute of his life.

For some wives, this loss of trust leads them to live estranged from their husbands to protect themselves emotionally. Repeated violations in some cases can permanently damage trust and lead to divorce.

Janet’s loss of trust in Tom was particularly painful because he was the one person she thought she could always trust. She never questioned him. He was her rock. When she discovered his pornography use, it felt like her world was destroyed and she didn’t know who she could count on. Janet began to experience bouts of depression and anxiety. Husbands must understand that sacred marital trust can be easily damaged and can take months or years to restore.

Pain and Sadness. Wives who have been affected by their husbands’ pornography use often say there is a deep aching in their hearts. They gave each other their hearts in marriage, and it is their responsibility to protect each other’s heart. Discovering her husband’s pornography use, a wife is often stunned at how he could have been so thoughtless, inconsiderate, and disrespectful. She can’t believe how the man she loved and trusted the most could do something so hurtful.

This pain is accompanied by a deep sadness. All at once the wonderful marriage she thought she had now seems like a farce. She now questions what is real in their marriage and what isn’t, and whether the marriage can even be healed and if they will ever recover.

Janet felt this way. She thought Tom loved her. Now, she felt as if he threw her heart on the ground and stomped on it. She grieved over her marriage, or at least the marriage she thought she had. Many nights were spent lying awake and weeping. Seeing how hurt and sad Janet was deeply affected Tom. Had he known how much his pornography use would hurt her, he never would have entertained the thought of using it.

Unable to Compete. Discovering her husband’s use of pornography can severely wound a woman’s self-image. A wife, who looks like a real woman and not a porn star, and sees these very young and beautiful women that don’t exist in real life, often asks, “How can I compete?” She knows there is no way that she could ever look like the women in porn!

This can leave her feeling sexually undesirable, and it is a no-win situation for most women. The women in porn are always young while real women age. . . Because pornography damages a man’s ability to appreciate true beauty in women, it leaves wives feeling unloved and rejected by their husbands.

Feeling like this, Janet began exercising more to lose weight. She also dressed sexier and had more sex with Tom. In the end, however, she knew she was only fooling herself and that she would never look like a twenty-year-old porn star. She also knew that all the sex she was having with Tom felt empty. She realized what she was doing and became angry with herself for allowing porn to dictate the type of wife she should be. For a while after that she refused to have sex with Tom or even sleep with him.

Tom never imagined how deeply his actions would affect Janet emotionally. Remember, to him, the women in porn were just those images on a screen. But for Janet, they were real women with whom she needed to compete for Tom’s love and attention.

Trauma: This intense emotional pain can include feelings of depression, anxiety, fear, and shame. A woman may have panic attacks or uncontrollable crying. She may wonder what she did wrong to cause her husband to turn to pornography. The shame and embarrassment may keep her from telling others about her situation. She might try to control every aspect of her husband’s life to prevent being hurt. . .

Janet fits the description of someone who has been traumatized by her husband’s behaviors. She came from a healthy loving home with no history of abuse or addiction. Her father was a strong, loving, protective man. When she discovered Tom’s addiction, it was a new experience and particularly painful.

Her attempts to feel safe focused on her environment. For a while she refused to have sex with Tom or even sleep with him. While much of this was due to the betrayal, anger, and sadness she experienced, it was also to help her feel safe. Not having Tom in their bedroom provided her with a safe refuge that she could escape to when she was feeling bad.

She also cycled through many painful emotions including depression, anger, sadness, and anxiety, and at times she would cry uncontrollably. This frightened her as it left her feeling totally out of control. She just wanted to feel safe and secure.

Pornography use also damages a man’s ability to be a good leader, provider, and protector of his family. Instead of being a good role model for his kids, he is a hypocrite. Many fathers will preach to their kids on the dangers of pornography while they regularly use it behind closed doors. A wife may think, “If he believes it is okay to use pornography, will he allow our sons to view porn someday?” It contributes to her loss of trust in him as a father. . .

If a couple has daughters, it could be worse. A wife might think, “Is he looking at our daughters the way he looks at the women in porn?” While a son might not be too upset to learn that his father uses pornography, this can be devastating for a daughter. To think that the man she has always loved, trusted, and looked up to as her protector is using porn is repulsive to her. She loses all respect for her father.

Janet always felt that Tom was a good role model for their sons. He often spoke to them about respecting women and treating them properly. Tom’s use of pornography destroyed this image. Janet had nightmares about their sons discovering Tom’s stash of pornography and how he would explain it. While she knew he would never expose their kids to pornography, the trauma of Tom’s addiction led her to fear leaving them alone with him. She had difficulty seeing him as a good leader, provider, and protector of their children.

The discovery of a man’s pornography use can be very traumatizing for a wife. For years, she thought she knew her husband, and now she learns that he has a secret life. To her, he now seems like a total stranger. Her ability to trust him has been shattered. She loses all respect for him and no longer sees him as a good role model for their children. The healing of the marriage can take years. . .

The research is clear. Pornography use is tearing apart marriages and harming families. God has called men to be leaders, providers, and protectors of their marriages and families. By using pornography they give up their ability to fulfill those roles, because they become enslaved to a drug that only hurts the people they love the most. ^[7]

Simply put, a husband and father’s use of pornography is one of the most selfish things he can do to his wife and children. Pornography is never free. The cost of your intense pleasure from it, will be your wife’s even more intense pain. Accordingly, Solomon warned his sons:

Now then, my sons, listen to me; do not turn aside from what I say. Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house, lest you lose your honor to others and your dignity to one who is cruel. (Prov 5:7-9)

“Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled” (Hebrews 13:4 NASB). Looking at pornography endangers your wife’s trust, respect, and intimacy with you.

Looking at pornography will cost you sexual pleasure

God created you for sex, but not for pornography. Your long term sexual pleasure with your wife will be diminished significantly if not completely destroyed by your use of pornography. Simply put, pornography burns you out sexually. One expert writes:

Most people with sexual compulsions have problems with emotional intimacy. Brief physical encounters have taken over for the deeply satisfying, but sometimes hard work, of establishing intimate peer relationships. One well-known addictionologist, Greg Nakken, said it well: “Sexual addicts substitute intensity for intimacy. They substitute the intensity of a temporary, artificially induced high for the normal but longer-term effort needed to achieve true intimacy that includes knowing and being known by friends or spouses.” ^[8]

One study found:

Continued exposure to porn releases surge after surge of dopamine, giving the brain an unnatural high. The brain eventually fatigues, limiting the release of dopamine, leaving the viewer wanting more but unable to reach a level of satisfaction. This is called desensitization. Everyday pleasures begin to lose their luster—including sex—and the viewer expands their pornographic tastes and seeks out more novel or harder pornography to get the same arousal. ^[9]

Another expert in the field shares:

I have also seen in my clinical experience that pornography damages the sexual performance of the viewers. Pornography viewers tend to have problems with premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. Having spent so much time in unnatural sexual experiences with paper, celluloid and cyberspace, they seem to find it difficult to have sex with a real human being. Pornography is raising their expectation and demand for types and amounts of sexual experiences; at the same time it is reducing their ability to experience sex. ^[10]

Another expert warns:

With compulsive pornography use, a man’s brain can become conditioned to only be stimulated by the constant parade of sexual images he encounters in pornography. Thus, when a man tries to be sexually intimate with one woman, his wife, he may find that he cannot achieve or maintain an erection. In order to be sexually aroused he needs the intense release of dopamine that comes from pornography, not the normal release that comes with a healthy sexual encounter with someone he loves and is committed to in marriage.

Psychology Today reports that when a man invests most of his sex life masturbating to online porn with “endless images of sexy, exciting, constantly changing partners,” he is likely to find his one real-world partner less stimulating. There develops an “emotional disconnection that is manifesting physically as sexual dysfunction with real-world partners.” ^[11]

The very thing you seek in pornography (sexual pleasure), will be the very thing you lose.

Pornography drastically increases your sex drive to abnormal levels. And this puts an unnecessary burden on your wife and you are now using, even abusing her, rather than loving her.

Contrary to what a lot of morons think and teach, pornography does not teach you how to have good sex. Why? Because it does not teach you how to please your wife. Most of the women you are watching in pornography are faking any pleasure they seem to be having. Many of the gross things they do might give you pleasure to watch it, but it does not feel good for women, nor will it give pleasure to your wife. And pleasing your wife is the most pleasurable thing about sex. “You should remember the words of the Lord Jesus: ‘It is more blessed [makarion: “happy”] to give than to receive’” (Acts 20:35). And this is true of sex as well.

Pornography does not portray love-making but lust-making, and the latter will never satisfy either partner. It must be admitted that lust-making with willing wicked women may feel easier and more exciting than love-making with your wife. But it will never be more fulfilling. And you know this by experience. When you really make love with your wife you are more fulfilled by the experience. But when you make lust with wicked women on the Internet, it leaves you feeling guilty, yet thirsting for more. And your lust-making will ruin you for love-making.

“Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled” (Hebrews 13:4 NASB). Looking at pornography endangers your wife’s trust, respect, and intimacy with you.

► Return to the beginning and answer the questions there.

► Recite Proverbs 6:26 from memory.

► Memorize Hebrews 13:4 in the translation above or another.

1. Arterburn and Stoeker, 205. ↑
2. Porn Statistics at http://www.covenanteyes.com ↑
3. “Porn Addiction in America.” ↑
4. Ibid., 212, 232-234. ↑
5. Testimony at http://dynamicwomenfaith.com/blog/pornography-marriage-personal-account/ ↑
6. “Help! I Just Discovered My Husband is Looking at Pornography!”, Sherry Allchin, http://biblicalcounselingcoalition.org/2013/02/18/%E2%80%9Chelp-i-just-discovered-my-husband-is-looking-at-pornography%E2%80%9D/ ↑
7. Kleponis, Loc. 302-320; 1594-1743. ↑
8. Reference unavailable. ↑
9. Your Brain on Porn, at www.covenanteyes.com, p. 6. ↑
10. Ibid., p. 8. ↑
11. Kleponis, Loc. 1070-1071. ↑