CE 1 YEAR: 45 Reconciliation

Week 45

Reconciliation

How offenses happen

Have you ever experienced the following? You do or say something that is misunderstood by someone. Their misunderstanding causes them to be offended by you. Because they view you through their hurt feelings, they think you somehow intended to hurt them. They now believe you are a bad person. Then they tell some friends about how you hurt them, spreading the belief that you are a bad person. And now you have several people with something against you. All because of a misunderstanding!

How would you feel about this? Would you be hurt that someone misunderstood your intentions? Would you be embarrassed because they now thought badly of you? Would you be upset that they did not talk to you? How would you feel about them telling others behind your back about how you hurt them? How would you feel about those people who listened to the gossip and slander about you?

It is easy to think that you would never do this to someone. But many Christians do. They misunderstand the words or actions of someone. They get offended because of their misunderstanding. And then they speak gossip and slander to others about how they were hurt. Or they listen to the gossip and slander of others. These are common practices among Christians. They are not only sinful, but destructive to relationships in our families and churches.

As pointed out in Week 35 on Christian friendship, love in your family and the church is the most important thing to God our Father. He wants us to make every effort to protect the unity and peace we have with one another (Eph 4:1-3). But misunderstandings, offenses, unforgiveness, and gossip all do the Devil’s work to damage our relationships.

Misunderstandings

Think about the times you have offended someone, like your spouse or a friend. How often did they misunderstand the intention of your words or actions? Usually, right? Are you willing to admit you often make the same mistake? Humans often misinterpret people, get offended by them, and think the worst of them. And it causes so much unnecessary trouble.

The Bible says that pride causes conflict (Prov 13:10). The Hebrew word translated pride can mean presumption. Presumption is making false conclusions before you have the facts. Our pride leads us to do this toward people. Sin has distorted our perception of other people. We see and imagine the worst about them.

But the Bible says that “love believes all things” (1 Cor 13:7). The context is loving people. What would “believing” have to do with loving people? Most NT scholars throughout Church history and today conclude this means love believes the best about people until proven otherwise. Isn’t this how you want people to treat you?

Therefore, the next time you are offended by someone close to you, follow the “Golden Rule.” Treat them as you would want them to treat you (Matt 7:12). If you offended someone, what would you want them to do? Talk to you, right? So, do the same for someone who offends you.

What would that look like? Simply, say “I think I misunderstood you. Did you mean _____ when you said (or did) _____? Like you, they will appreciate the opportunity to clarify their words or actions. Your effort to understand them will communicate your respect for them and how much you value your relationship.

Forgiveness

Many of our offenses come from misunderstandings. But in this life many people will actually sin against us. This tempts us to commit the sin of anger (see Week 25). The only cure for the spiritual disease of anger is forgiveness.

How important is forgiveness? Jesus told us that along with praying for “our daily bread” we are to daily pray: “Forgive our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us. Do not let us be tempted, but rescue us from evil” (Matt 6:11-13)​. Forgiveness is a daily thing. And do not miss the link here between forgiveness and being rescued from demonic temptations and actions. The demonic things that will result from not forgiving include speaking gossip and slander about people.

Forgiveness is not simply a decision or a choice you make as many describe it. Rather, it is being “transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Rom 12:2) about the person and hurt you need to forgive. More specifically, forgiveness is: Trusting God to give you what someone has cost you. Forgiveness is recognizing what your offender took from you (e.g. respect, safety, progress, money, etc.), and trusting God to replace it for you if you need it. When you trust God with what another person’s sin cost you, then you no longer depend on them and you can let them go. What would this look like?

Step #1 to forgive: Talk to God about your hurt. Don’t talk to people first. Talk to God. Remember, He is a safe person to yell at and complain to (see Week 30). You can safely express all your anger at Him without hurting others or gossiping and slandering your offender. Be honest with God about how the other person hurt you. Don’t skip this step of expressing your hurt to God. If you do, you may not be able to forgive.

Step #2 to forgive: Determine what the person took from you that made you hurt. Did their actions or words make you feel disrespected, insignificant, ignored, unsafe, etc.? How did their words or actions hurt you? Why did it make you mad? What desire did their actions block? What are their actions costing you? Answering this question is vital to being able to forgive.

Step #3 to forgive: Tell God that you trust Him with what the person’s sin cost you. Did the person make you feel disrespected or unimportant? Then recognize God has already given that to you and you don’t need them from anyone else. If you need whatever the person’s sin has cost you, God will replace it. And trusting Him to do this will give you the power (really the faith) to forgive the person. When you are trusting God to meet your needs for significance, approval, and security you no longer need the person who offended you to do anything. You can “let them go” because you have God.

If you think you need an apology from an offender, you don’t understand forgiveness. Do you see that forgiveness is something primarily between you and God, and not another person? One great thing about forgiveness is that you don’t even have to talk to the person in order to forgive them. You do not need an apology from anyone in order to trust God with what they did and forgive them. If you forgive them, you may not need to talk to them at all.

Do today what Jesus told us to do every day in the Lord’s prayer. Consider if there is someone in your life you need to forgive and do it (Matt 6:12).

How do you know you have fully trusted God with what your offender cost you? How do you know you have fully forgiven someone? You will feel COMPASSION for them. Not anger. Not even apathy. But compassion. Why can you feel COMPASSION for people that are sinning against you? Because all sinning people are hurting people, including the person sinning against you. Remember, hurting people hurt people. When you renew your mind to see people the way God sees them, you will feel COMPASSION for them.

Gossip and slander

Gossip and slander happen when people speak negatively about other people who are not present. Gossip is saying something negative but true about a person. Slander is saying something negative and false about a person. Both cause others to think badly of another person.

Gossip usually turns into slander because a gossiper is usually only telling their biased version of things. So, it actually becomes slander because it is not the whole truth.

Speaking and listening to gossip and slander are included in lists of very bad sins (Rom 1:29-30; Eph 4:31-32; 2 Cor 12:20-21). When God chose to name the most evil person in Creation, He called him “slanderer” (Greek, diablos, “devil”). This is why Satan is described as “the accuser of our brethren” (Rev 12:10). When you speak negatively about a brother or sister in Christ behind their back, you are doing the Devil’s work. Worse than that, you are being a devil (“slanderer”).

God hates gossip and slander because it destroys relationships between His people. Gossip has the power to separate even close friends (Prov 16:28). The Bible says it is loving to hide a person’s sin, but telling it to others will destroy friendship (Prov 17:9; 10:12; 1 Pet 4:8). God conceals our sins (Ps 32:1), and we should do the same for others. The Bible especially warns about gossip and slander toward church leaders (1 Tim 5:19). Unfortunately, gossip and slander are among the most destructive, but most common practices in many churches.

Why do people gossip and slander? Usually because they misunderstood someone and got hurt. They are hurting because they have not obeyed God and forgiven the person or talked to them privately (Matt 18:15-17, 21-22). Their sinful anger compels them to sin more by telling others about their hurt. They think sharing their hurt with others will help them. But God commands us instead to forgive our offender and talk with them in private because this is what will really resolve our hurts.

Why do we listen to gossip and slander? Usually because we want to help a friend. They have been hurt by someone and we want to support and comfort them. But you do not have permission from God to serve your friends in this way. You can never truly love your hurting friend by sinning against God. Listening to their complaints about another person does not help your friend, but only causes you both to sin.

Again, follow the Golden Rule: Treat others as you would want them to treat you (Matt 7:12). Would you want someone gossiping or slandering you? Of course not. So, do not speak negatively about others. Would you want someone listening to gossip or slander about you? No. So, do not listen to gossip or slander. Imagine that someone approaches one of your friends and begins complaining about you. Imagine your friend stops them and refuses to listen to them. How would you feel about that friend? Do the same for others.

When someone complains to you about another person, they are putting you in a very difficult situation. But you must decide to please God instead of your hurting friend. If you sense someone is speaking negatively about another person, interrupt them. You can say something like, “I’m sorry you were hurt by this. I care about you. But this seems like gossip to me and I don’t want either of us to sin.”

Remember, gossip and slander are serious sins. Those who practice it are the “divisive” people God warns you about. He commands you not to listen to divisive people, but to warn them about their sin. If they continue to gossip and slander after two warnings, God commands you to have nothing to do with them because they are a perverse and sinful person (Tit 3:10-11). Why does God want us to resist a divisive person so strongly? Because they damage Christian fellowship. How would you feel if someone was causing divisions in your family with gossip and slander? God feels the same way.

Reconciliation

What if we become aware that someone has something against us? Jesus told us to make it a priority to talk with them (Matt 5:23-24). It was probably just a misunderstanding. Be at peace with everyone, as far as it depends on you (Rom 12:18).

What are we supposed to do when people hurt or offend us? Jesus told us in Matthew 18. The first step is to forgive your offender (vs. 21-22). If you forgive the person first, then you are talking to them to help them, because you do not need anything from them, including an apology. Also, forgiveness removes any “planks” from your perception so that you can see things clearly (Matt 7:3-5).

Even if the offense turns out to only be a misunderstanding, you can first forgive them. Only then will you be able to approach your offender with gentleness instead of anger.

If your offender is in a habit of sinning against you, or offending you in a particular way, then Jesus wants you to take some other steps (vs. In verses 15-17). He commanded us to speak privately to the person about their offense. This is perhaps one of the least obeyed commandments in Scripture. Of course, it can be intimidating to speak to someone personally about how they offended you. This is one reason we would rather slander them by talking to someone else about what they did. But Jesus commands you to speak privately with someone who is repeatedly offending you.

And remember, it is likely that you misunderstood something they said or did. Start with the wording above, admitting you probably misunderstood them, and the conversation will be much easier.

The goal of speaking with an offender is to restore peace to the relationship. If your private conversation does not accomplish this, Jesus does not want you to stop pursuing the matter. He commands that we take one or two others with us to talk to the offender. If the person is in your church, a Pastor would be a good option. Notice that only at this point do you have God’s permission to talk to someone else about your offender. If you talk to others before you have talked to the offender privately, then you are committing the sins of gossip and probably slander.

When someone offends you, you are in a dangerous place. You will be tempted to commit the sins of prideful presumption (misunderstanding), lasting anger, unforgiveness, and gossip and slander. The only way to avoid all of these sins is to forgive. And the only way to begin trying to reconcile with a repeat offender is to talk privately to them. Offenses are hard. They hurt. And responding to them correctly is hard. Making every effort to protect our relationships with others is among the hardest and most important things God commands us to do (Eph 4:1-3). But we can trust Him that if we obey Him in these matters, it will bless our lives a great deal.

Dealing with difficult people

God tells us to do our best to have a peaceful relationship with everyone (Rom 12:18). But good relationships require two people who are willing to forgive and love each other. Some of your relationships are with those who will not love you. What does God expect you to do?

There is a biblical principle to guide you. God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble (1 Pet 5:5). So should you. Have mercy on those who admit their sin and mistakes and are willing to change. But confront proud and abusive people who do not care. This is the most loving thing you can do for both the proud person and those they are hurting. You do not help a proud person when you give them grace. They will not appreciate it. Proud people can only be influenced by people who will lovingly but firmly stand up to them.

God expects you to love everyone unconditionally, but only trust and be friends with those who earn your respect. God expects you to be patient, kind, forgiving, and compassionate toward everyone. But trust is something that must be earned. There may be many people you need to love, but you cannot trust them. You must love everyone, but God wants you to have the closest relationships with people you like.

In fact, you may need to limit your time with some people. Jesus said turn the other cheek if someone slaps it (Matt 5:39). But He does not expect you to stay in a relationship with someone who is abusing you physically or emotionally. God does not want you to be unnecessarily harassed and influenced by harsh, manipulative, and sinful people. Do not attach your life to sinful unbelievers, or make them your closest friends (1 Cor 5:11; 2 Cor 6:14-7:1).

In fact, there are people that God wants you to separate from. These include divisive people (Rom 16:17; Tit 3:10), which would also include people with the habit of gossiping (Prov 16:28; 17:9). Do not waste your time or wisdom on people who will not appreciate you (Matt 7:6). Your time, love, and life are very valuable. Only invest them in relationships that deserve them, and will produce the most spiritual fruit and blessing for your life.

Practical application: God wants you to take some time to recognize broken relationships in your life that you could do something to repair (Matt 5:23-24). Begin praying for these relationships. Think about how you could apply what you have learned in this chapter to make them better.

In your small group meeting this week, share praises and prayer requests and then discuss these questions:

1) Can you give an example of someone being offended because they misunderstood you? How did this make you feel? How does it motivate you to not misunderstand others?

2) Do you have an example of someone gossiping and slandering you? How did this make you feel? How does this motivate you to not speak or listen to gossip and slander?

3) What does presumption mean? Why do we do it? What are the bad things that often happen when we do it?

4) If you are offended by someone, how can you approach them to ask if you have misunderstood them?

5) How is forgiveness defined in this chapter? How is this different than what you have heard before?

6) How do we know we have forgiven someone? What do you think about this?

7) Why do people speak gossip and slander? Why do people listen to it? Why is it so hard to avoid both of these sins?

8) Why do we say that gossip and slander is acting like the Devil?

9) If someone comes to you and starts speaking negatively about someone else, how does God want you to respond? Will you commit to do this?

10) What is the first thing God wants you to do if someone hurts or offends you (Matt 18:21-22). Why is this?

11) What is the second thing God wants you to do, especially if someone repeatedly offends you (Matt 18:15-17)? Why is this difficult to do? What can help make it easier?

12) What was most meaningful to you in this chapter? Why?