CE 1 YEAR: 44 Parenting

Week 44

Parenting

Be God-centered instead of world-centered

What is the most important thing for you to impart to your children? Morality? Education? Good self-esteem? These are important foundations. But the ultimate goal of parenting is producing children who serve and please their real Father. Remember, God is the real Father of your children. You did not create them, He did. He did not create them to ultimately serve you, but Him.

You will not be the one who will eventually evaluate the life of your child, but God will. The big test for your child is not their Algebra final, college entrance exams, or what kind of career they have. The big test you are preparing your kids for is when they stand before their real Father and He rewards them for whatever they did for Him. The greatest thing you want for your children is for God to tell them one day, “Well done good and faithful servant!” (Matt 25:21).

Therefore, you need to make God’s goals for your children the priority in your parenting. Unfortunately, many Christian settle for nice children and simply hope they won’t cause a lot of trouble and be embarrassing. God wants your children to be more than good. He wants them to be so godly and loving that people notice a difference in them. God wants more than nice kids, He wants God-glorifying kids! He wants them to be instruments for noble purposes, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work for Him (2 Tim 2:20-22).

What is God’s mission for all Christians including your children? To be ambassadors for Jesus Christ who make a positive impact on other people (2 Cor 5:20). The ultimate goal of parenting is to help your children believe they are on a mission for God, and to equip them to fulfill that mission.

You want your children to be great, right? How did Jesus define greatness? Whoever serves and blesses others the most is the greatest (Matt 20:26-28). God wants you to raise more than merely moral children. Even non-Christians can do that. God wants you to train your children to sacrificially and joyfully love others.

Do you want your children to learn the secret of happiness? Jesus told us we are happier when we are giving instead of getting (Acts 20:35). Parents do all kinds of things to make their children happy. They buy them gifts, provide entertainment, and give them what they want. But then they wonder why their children are not happy. It is because God made us to be the happiest when we are giving to others, instead of getting.

Give your children opportunities to serve others in practical ways and have a positive impact on others. It will imprint them with God’s values for the rest of their life. They will experience joy, fulfillment and purpose in serving God and people. And they will never want to settle for anything else.

One of the greatest challenges in parenting is to raise children who do not conform to the values of this world (Rom 12:2). These include being engrossed with entertainment, craving popularity, and concerned only about themselves. Jesus said what this world values is detestable in the sight of God (Luke 15:16). But it is so attractive to our children. How do we protect them from this? By giving them something more enjoyable and fulfilling then serving the world, which is serving God and people.

Most children get their self-esteem from their peers. Therefore, they want to wear “cool” clothes, have “cool” friends, and have a “cool” boyfriend or girlfriend. But children on mission for God have their identity in God and a healthy self-esteem. What gives them more significance than being a servant and ambassador of the King of all Kings?! Because children on mission for God are living to influence others for Christ, they are less prone to be influenced by the world. If you will help your children be a part of the most important and exciting thing happening on Earth, they will not be so tempted by the silly things the world offers.

Be parent-centered instead of child-centered

How can you raise children like this? First of all, you need to be a family like this. A family on mission for God. A family devoted to serving God and blessing others. Families focused on themselves raise self-centered children. Nice families raise nice children. But radical, sacrificial, and serving families raise radical, sacrificial, and serving children. Living like this not only accomplishes the goal of parenting, but God’s ultimate goal for your family: being a blessing to others.

This is more important than merely going to church, youth programs, family devotionals and memorizing Scripture. Being a family on mission for God is what will impact your children for God more than anything else.

The father must lead in this. Dad, you must decide how you want to serve the church and involve your family in it. You need to provide your family with more than just a home and food. You need to give your family a mission for God. Timothy was like a son to Paul and joined him in serving God (Phil 1:1; 2:2). God wants you to have the same relationship with your children.

You must be a parent-centered family instead of a child-centered family. Many parents spend the majority of their free time in one of two ways: 1) Doing what they want to do without their children, or 2) Doing what the children want to do and following them around to all of their activities. The family’s whole existence revolves around entertaining the children instead of serving the parents or helping others. Having a child-centered family looks good to others. But it will not accomplish your God-given responsibility to make servants of the King. You do not need to spend more time with our children doing what they want to do. They need to spend more time with you doing what God wants you to do.

Christ’s life did not revolve around the wants and desires of His disciples. It was the disciples’ lives which completely revolved around Him. If you were a disciple of Jesus Christ you did not have time to do what everybody else was doing. Parents, if you have your children serve you as you serve God, they will not have time to do everything everyone else is doing. Jesus said, “follow me” and you should tell your children the same.

Focus on serving rather than performing

The difference between performing and serving illustrates God’s values versus the world’s. How much time and effort do many families invest in their kids performing in sports, music, theatre, or academics? These things can have value. But it is common to focus on them more than something a lot more important to God: serving others. How many biblical commands can you find about Christians performing in sports, music, or academics? How many commands can you find about God wanting His children to be serving others? Does this reflect the emphasis you have in your parenting? Are your priorities the same as God’s? He wants you to raise compassionate and generous young women (Prov 31:20) and kind-hearted young men (Prov 11:24-25).

A focus on competition and performing among our children can be damaging in many ways. It teaches them to compete with others, instead of love others. It encourages self-centeredness instead of service. It creates insecurity based on the approval of others, instead of a security in the love of God.

When your child stands before their real Father in Heaven, will He be praising them or evaluating them on how good they were in sports or music or math in school? Will your child get more eternal rewards for serving people or performing for people?

Obviously, we are describing a rather radical, rare, and challenging way to live. But we warn you that the pull of this world is very powerful on your children. If you do not live radically for Jesus, do not be surprised if the world sucks them in and you have average or even bad children, instead of great and God-glorifying children.

Three essentials for parenting

Again, there are challenges to being a God-glorifying family who raises God-glorifying children. Before some instruction on specific ages, there are three essentials to effective, godly parenting that will help you.

First, learn to live in the power of the Spirit. This was discussed in Section V of the Essentials: “Christian Power.” Have you ever wondered why there is so little instruction in the Bible about parenting? It is one of the most important things in our life on Earth. But God has very few specific things to say about it. Why? Because the secret to success in everything in the Christian life is to live in the power of the Spirit (see Week 23).

God’s Spirit gives us love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Gal 5:22-23). People like that make great parents! Imagine possessing all those powers. And imagine what kind of marriage, parenting, and life you would have if you were consistently living with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Secondly, work on your marriage. Few things are more damaging to a child than knowing their parents really do not like each other. The insecurity and stress that inflicts on a child will imprint them in a way that negatively affects their life. A harmonious marriage where children see love in action is essential. Do not fight in presence of your children. Rather, show respect and affection for your spouse.

Finally, trust in the grace of God. When Jesus gave us the command to make disciples, He promised He would be with us until the very end (Matt 28:18-20). Parenting is making disciples and God will be helping you. Their real Father is always raising, protecting, and teaching them too. In fact, there is one way that you will experience God’s work in your child. The very best things you will see in them, will not be things you can take credit for. The things you will most admire about your kids when they grow up are things that God has obviously taught them, not you. You will see God’s work in their life. You are never parenting alone.

Law and grace in parenting

Jesus came with both truth and grace (John 1:17). So, must you as a parent. There are times that your child will need you to emphasize truth and enforce moral laws. Other times you will love them most by not punishing them, but rather protecting them from the consequences of their sin or foolishness. Generally speaking, younger children need more law, and older children need more grace. At younger ages you need to be their boss. At older ages you need to be their friend.

Unfortunately, many parents ignore this and hurt their children. They treat their little ones with an abundance of “grace,” being passive and letting them disobey in all kinds of ways and neglecting to discipline them. As a result, such children become whiny, rebellious, and unhappy.

On the other hand, many parents are quite harsh with their teenagers, thinking that punishment is still necessary to teach them right from wrong. As a result, they lose their friendship with their children and regret it for the rest of their lives.

How does grace and the law work at the different stages of parenting?

Rescue those toddlers

By toddlers, we mean children ages 2-6. The Bible tells you the greatest problem you will have at this age, and the only cure. The sinful nature controls the heart of your toddler and only the rod of discipline will help them (Prov 22:15).

The sinful nature in your toddler is like a Me Monster. It is completely selfish and can act like an angry, whiny, disobedient monster if it is not trained. The Me Monster is both you and your child’s great enemy. Your child truly wants to please you. But the Me Monster rebels against their greatest desires and makes them unhappy. Even your children do what they really do not want to do (Rom 7:15-17). Like you, they are not sinners by choice, but were born with the disease of sin.

Have compassion on your child. But have no mercy for the Me Monster that will destroy their life if it is not trained to respect authority. Of course, spanking is painful. But it is less painful than all the anger, whining, and general unhappiness your child will experience if their Me Monster is not trained to obey.

Imagine some stranger came up to your child, grabbed them, and started hurting them. How would you respond? You would stop that sinful stranger from hurting your child. So why do parents so often let the Me Monster grab, control, and hurt their children? Don’t let the Me Monster abuse your child.

Your child is no match for the sinful bully that lives in them. Without your help, they will continue to be beat up and controlled by their Me Monster. This is why God says that if you spare the rod of discipline you hate your child. But if you love them, you will rescue them from their Me Monster by faithfully spanking them (Prov 13:24).

Remember, God says that spanking is the only thing that will train the Me Monster. “Time outs” and trying to talk your toddler into obedience are foolish and ignore God’s word. Your child will pay a high price if you do not consistently spank them for rebellion. If you do not train the Me Monster at a young age to respect you, it will just be harder, and maybe impossible, as they get older. God warns you that if you abandon your child to face their Me Monster alone, they will disgrace you (Prov 29:15). But if you spank your child, they will give you peace and delight (Prov 29:17).

How do you train the Me Monster in your child? First, spank appropriately. Give clear commands to your toddler and spank them for obvious disobedience. A toddler can even learn to not be fussy and whiny. That’s often just the Me Monster. Train them in a few commands at a time. But most of all, obtain respect for your authority. You should expect your child to obey immediately and respectfully without complaining.

Secondly, spank affectionately. Never spank in anger. It is better to let the child disobey than spank them in anger. Anger never accomplishes the righteousness of God (James 1:20). Remember, have compassion on your child because of what the Me Monster is doing to them.

Thirdly, spank effectively. Make sure your child understands what they did wrong. Tell them you are spanking the Me Monster, not them. This helps your child understand that you are not rejecting them, but helping them with the bully in them that is hurting them. Go to a private place and expose their bottom. This is where the Me Monster lives. Striking your child elsewhere is unwise. God also instructs you to use a rod, not your hand. A wooden spoon is a good example. Firmly strike your child’s bottom until they yield to the discipline. For some children this will be one swat. For others, it may be many more. The goal is to make the Me Monster yield.

It is helpful for fathers to take primary responsibility for discipline when they are present. God made children to especially respect their dad. Take advantage of this to tame the Me Monster.

After you have punished the Me Monster, make sure to comfort your child. Tell them you love them. Don’t let them leave the time of discipline sad or discouraged. Your goal is that they leave the time reconciled to you and even smiling or laughing.

Finally, spank consistently. This will actually result in needing to spank less often. The Me Monster will test you. But your consistency will train the bully.

Train those children

In the toddler stage of parenting you are establishing your authority. In ages 6-11 you are teaching them God’s ways and training their conscience (Prov 22:6). The Bible says that especially fathers should raise their children in the instruction of the Lord, and not exasperate them (Eph 6:4). Do not miss the fact that God especially points to the father’s responsibility here. Obviously, his job will take a great deal of his time. But when he is home, God wants him to be focused on training His children.

How do you avoid exasperating your children? By having clear and realistic expectations. Many have found the following “10 Commandments for Our Children” helpful.

#1: Love God (Matt 22:37-38). Explain that these rules are from God. Begin reading the Bible to them. At older ages have them read the Bible, write down a verse they liked, and pray for people.

#2: Honor your parents (Eph 6:1-3). Hopefully this was established as a toddler. But your authority was based on fear of punishment. As your children get older, you want them to obey because they love you and you are earning their respect by your example.

#3: Honor others (Phil 2:3). This especially includes respecting their siblings. This may be a great challenge, but it is a God-ordained training opportunity. Also train your children to respect other adults.

#4: Tell the truth (Exod 20:16).

#5: Do not hurt others (Col 3:12).

#6: Forgive others when they hurt you (Col 3:13). This is relatively easy for children. Help them to learn how to do this now.

#7: Share What You Have (1 Tim. 6:18). Give your children things and help them understand they belong to them. When their ownership is established, help them give freely. It rarely helps a child to force them to share things.

#8: Care for What You Have (1 Cor 4:2). Help them understand that all of our possessions ultimately come from God and are therefore valuable and worth taking care of.

#9: Work Hard (Exod 20:9). This practically applies to doing household chores a their school work. If they learn this, it will bless them their entire life.

#10: Count the Cost and Pay the Price for My Actions (Prov 3:11-12). Train your child to know there are consequences for doing wrong. For older children, this includes helping them evaluate commitments and keep them (Luke 14:28-30). To be a “finisher” and not a quitter. This may include having kids pay for things with their own money.

Parenting at this stage cannot be all about rules. Make sure you are having fun with your children as well.

Disciple those teens

There are two common mistakes that parents making in parenting their teenagers: 1) not treating them with enough grace, and 2) releasing them too soon. The first one is the greatest one. In the earlier stages of parenting, a focus on morality and God’s law is important. But if you want to succeed with your teens, you must shift to more grace.

The challenge with teenagers is that they can make a lot of mistakes. You should expect them to act more like adults, but they often still act like a child. You might see many needs and weaknesses in them that will cause them great difficulty as an adult. All of this leads many parents to be AFRAID of how their children are turning out. And their FEAR causes them to be hard on their teenagers. Fearful parents are still hoping that enforcing the law will teach their teenagers.

But there is no fear in real love because perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18). Having fear about your teenager will hinder you in loving them. Trying to use fear to motivate them will hurt them. Your teenager already knows right from wrong. What they may not know is whether or not you will love them no matter what they do. More than that, your teenager desperately wants to know if you like them. Unfortunately, because fearful parents are busy correcting them on everything, teens seriously wonder about these things.

When teenagers mess up, fearful parents think the most important thing for them is to learn is consequences. But they probably already feel bad about their mistake or sin. And in a very short time the real world is going to harshly teach them the consequences of their weaknesses and sin. But do you know what they will not learn in the world? Do you know the most important thing you need to teach them as a teenager? GRACE.

They will rarely experience undeserved love in the world. Their best opportunity to experience grace is how you respond to their mistakes and sin as a teenager. The goal of parenting your teenager is not to protect them from all the mistakes they can make. The goal is to still have a friendship with them even after they have made all their mistakes. At 16 years old, about the most important thing is your friendship with your child. Do your teens feel comfortable talking to you about anything? If not, then you have failed in grace.

God describes how He treats you as your Father in Psalm 103. You need to be like Him with your teenager. He is compassionate and gracious to you. He is very slow to be angry. He has an overwhelming and constant love for you. He no longer accuses you. He does not treat you according to what your sins deserve. Instead, He has compassion on you because He knows how hard it is for you to always do what pleases Him (v. 8-14).

A second mistake that parents of teens make is releasing them too soon from their care and instruction. For example, it is common for parents to send their 18 year old off to some distant college far from home. This is usually unwise. Just because they are 18 does not mean they are ready to be on their own. Your child can still benefit a great deal from your presence in their life. The best thing for them is still to serve God with you.

Practical application: Spend some time with your spouse discussing this chapter. Determine changes you want to make in your parenting and work together to pursue them.

In your small group meeting this week, share praises and prayer requests and then discuss these questions:

1) How does this chapter describe the ultimate goal of parenting? What do you think?

2) Why do you want to train your children to serve and bless others? How can being on mission for God affect their life?

3) What does it mean to be parent-centered instead of child-centered in your parenting? What would this practically look like in your family?

4) Why do we suggest prioritizing serving over performing? What do you think?

5) What are three essentials to parenting that you should remember?

6) How does applying law and grace affect your parenting?

7) Why should spanking be a part of training your toddler? What has been your experience in this area?

8) Why are fathers especially important in training children?

9) How can you avoid exasperating your children?

10) What do we claim is the greatest mistake made in parenting teenagers? Why do parents make this mistake? What is the result?

11) What was especially meaningful to you in this chapter? Why?