CE 1 YEAR: 43 Marriage

Week 43

Marriage

The purpose of marriage

Why do people get married? Usually to fulfill their needs for companionship. This was one purpose for the first marriage between Adam and Eve. God did not want Adam to be alone and made him a mate (Gen 2:18). Likewise, if you desire to be married, God wants to provide you with a life partner.

But if this is your only purpose in marriage, you will miss God’s larger purpose. Remember the warning in Week 8 about making people, even your spouse, an idol in your life. If the only purpose of your marriage is to get your need for love fulfilled, you will be greatly disappointed. Nothing that God gives you is only for yourself, including your marriage. Of course, your marriage blesses you. But if that is all it does, your marriage has not fulfilled God’s ultimate purposes.

What is God’s ultimate purpose for your marriage? To serve and glorify God together. The ultimate purpose for everything, including your marriage, is to make God look good (1 Cor 10:31; see Week 8). Your marriage glorifies God when others see your love for one another.

Another purpose for your marriage is to be a team that helps one another serve God and people. He wants you and your spouse to be on a mission to bless as many people as possible through your team work.

This is why God called the woman a “helper” to the man (Gen 2:18). This implies to some people that she is inferior to the man. But the Hebrew word ēzer (“helper”) most often refers to God in the OT (Exod 18:4; 1 Sam 7:12; Ps 46:1; 86:17; 121:1-2). “Helper” is a term of honor, not dishonor. Both male and female Christians are created in the image of God (Gen 1:27), are chosen children of God (Eph 1:4-5; Gal 3:28), given eternal life (1 Pet 3:7), and endowed with spiritual gifts (1 Pet 4:10-11). The woman is man’s “helper” because she completes him, and assists him in fulfilling God’s purpose for them.

Aquila and Priscilla give us an example of this. They were a team on mission to serve Christ and others. They hosted a church in their home (1 Cor 16:19). What a wonderful way to serve God and others! They risked their lives to help the Apostle Paul (Rom 16:3-4). They helped to disciple the great Apollos (Acts 18:24-26). Serving Christ together in a local church will give your marriage a God-given purpose and perspective that will bless it beyond what you can imagine.

Many families focus on having a good marriage and good children as if that is the ultimate goal of a family. But these are merely means to an end. You want a harmonious marriage and godly children in order to better serve God and people. Jesus said, “Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well” (Matt 6:33). Seek to further God’s kingdom and pursue His righteousness in your marriage and God will bless your marriage.

Before Joshua died, he spoke to families who were tempted to follow the gods of their parents (Josh 24:14). He proclaimed God’s mission for every family when he famously said, “But as for me and my family, we will serve the Lord” (v. 15). Will you commit to the same purpose for your marriage?

The love of marriage

Of course, love is essential for a happy marriage. Many of the topics in the Christian Essentials have been necessary to enable you to love your spouse. First, you must know and experience God’s love for you (Sections III and IV: Christian Identity and Promises). Secondly, you must be controlled by God’s Spirit living in you (Section V: Christian Power). Here we will discuss more specifically how love applies to marriage.

God tells us how to have a happy marriage. Husbands, you are to care deeply about the needs of your wife, gladly making sacrifices for her, carefully understanding her, and never being harsh with her (Eph 5:25-30; Col 3:19; 1 Pet 3:7). Why is this? Because this is how God made women to be loved. They need to feel cared for and understood to feel loved. Husbands, if you want a happy wife, learn how to listen carefully and patiently to her concerns. A woman wants to feel special.

Wives, you are to treat your husband with as much respect as you would show Jesus Christ Himself (Eph 5:22-24; 33; Col 3:18;1 Pet 3:1-6). Why? Because being respected is how God made men to feel loved. All men are little boys needing praise. When men are not respected, they either get angry or pull away. Disrespect shrinks a man’s soul. Wives, commit yourself to be your husband’s greatest cheerleader, instead of critic.

A wise husband will ask for his wife’s counsel in decisions. A loving husband will consider her preferences in decisions. But a godly wife will peacefully follow her husband’s decisions, giving him the final say.

The different roles in marriage reflect that people communicate and receive love differently. These differences are widely known as “The 5 Love Languages.” These are how you most like to experience love from others and express love to others. It is vitally important for your marriage that you understand what “love languages” you and your spouse have. As you read through the following descriptions, think about how you most like to be loved. How do you think your spouse most likes to be loved? The 5 Love Languages are:

Words of Affirmation: Experiencing love through spoken affection, praise, or appreciation. Examples include someone saying, “I love you,” or praising you for your appearance, or an accomplishment. Affirming love helps you feel better about yourself.

Acts of Service: Experiencing love through being served by someone in practical ways. Examples include someone helping you when you are tired, or do not have the time to fulfill a responsibility. Serving love makes your life feel easier.

Receiving Gifts: Experiencing love through someone taking the time and making an effort to purchase or produce a gift for you. Examples include making birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays special. Gifting love tell you someone is thinking about you.

Quality Time: Experiencing love through sincere and focused attention. This includes spending time alone talking, taking the time to really listen and understand your feelings, or showing sincere interest in something you care about. This focused love helps you feel important.

Physical Touch: Experiencing love through physical contact or intimacy. This includes sitting close, holding hands, hugging, kissing, and a sexual relationship. Physical love helps you feel accepted and secure.

A primary “love language” of men is often Physical Touch. For women it is Quality Time. These “love languages” are how you practically fulfill your roles in marriage. Physical intimacy and sincere praise are usually especially important to fulfill a man’s need for respect. Quality time, serving, and gifts are usually essential for a wife to feel special.

Spouses often love each other, but do not feel loved because their spouse is not using their love language. A man can think he is best expressing love by working hard and financially providing for his family. But the wife might be happier if he spent more time talking to her instead of working. Likewise, a wife can think she is communicating love by serving all the needs in the household. But the husband will probably experience a lot more love through physical intimacy.

One great challenge of love languages is this: Your spouse will rarely share your love language. If your love language is being served, you can wrongly assume that your spouse’s love language is to be served also. But this is rarely true. Do not use your love language as the primary way you love your spouse. Their primary love language will probably be something you value the least.

When you were married, God made two people into one! (Gen 2:24; Matt 19:5-6; Eph 5:28-31). God wants you to experience this “oneness” in your marriage. But men and women experience this differently. Wives experience the “oneness” of marriage primarily through feeling emotionally safe and close to their husbands. Husbands experience this “oneness” primarily through an enjoyable physical relationship.

In Week 25 we described the different kinds of love. All of them are necessary to preserve and experience the “oneness” of marriage. Of course, unconditional agapē love is the necessary foundation. Our weaknesses, selfishness, and sin threaten to damage our marriage. But the patience and forgiveness of unconditional love “covers over a multitude of sin” (1 Pet 4:8) and protects your marriage.

Friendship love (philia) is the substance of a marriage. God wants you to not only love your spouse, but to like many things about them. Do not become too busy with work, chores, and kids. Have fun together! Husbands, it is especially important that you seek to be your wife’s best friend. The unconditional grace of agapē enables your marriage to survive. The friendly kindness of philia enables it to thrive.

One essential habit of marriage to build friendship love is a regular “date night.” Spend the money to get a babysitter and take your wife out to eat. Get some time alone, preferably at least once a week.

Sexual love (erōs) should be the result of unconditional and friendship love. Especially the wife will not enjoy this if the other loves are not happening. Many marriages are based on the husband providing money for the wife, and in exchange, the wife providing sex. This is a shallow, worldly marriage.

Wives, it is especially loving to initiate sexual love with your husband. Don’t make him always ask for it. Remember that God gave men a biological need for sexual release that women do not have. How would you feel if your husband refused to talk to you? That’s how your husband feels if you refuse to have sex with him.

Husbands, if your wife is not eager to have sex with you, then you must recognize it is because you are failing to love her with unconditional and friendship love. Your sexual relationship is the best measure of the emotional and spiritual health of your marriage.

Practical applications: There are two vital things you need to know about your spouse. First, what is their primary love language. Know this and be committed to regularly loving your spouse in this way. Secondly, what is your spouse’s spiritual gift (see Week 42). Know it and help them pursue it.

Also, schedule that regular “date night” now and start doing it if it has not been your habit.

In your small group meeting this week, share praises and prayer requests and then discuss these questions:

1) Why is it so important to ultimately depend on God for your emotional needs, rather than your spouse?

2) How did we define the biblical purposes of marriage? What would these look like? How does Matthew 6:33 apply to this?

3) What are some worldly values from your upbringing or culture that you want to avoid in your marriage?

4) How would you describe how a husband is supposed to uniquely love his wife? How would you describe how a wife is to uniquely love her husband?

5) What is your primary love language? Why is it important for you to know your spouse’s love language? Why is it important to probably not love your spouse with your love language?

6) Why is unconditional love important for a marriage? What are examples?

7) Why is friendship love important for a marriage? What are examples?

8) Why is your sexual relationship perhaps the best measure of the emotional and spiritual health of your marriage?

9) What was most meaningful to you in this chapter? Why?